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May 27, 2013
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Dovah Zul by Liefesa Dovah Zul by Liefesa
Of the Dragonborn and fated days foretold.

(a newer version of an older song: liefesa.deviantart.com/art/Dov… )

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Art and Lyrics ©Liefesa
Original game and dragon language script ©Bethesda
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:iconlesliewifeofbath:
Lesliewifeofbath Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I wish I could offer a solid critique on this work, but I am no expert in poetry.  It's got a good beat, though the third line in the third stanza throws it off a bit.

I have to respectfully disagree with  angelenroute in the use of critiques.  I believe critiques are useful to art at any phase.  You may have completed a work, but there is always something an extra set of eyes may catch or point out.

Very creative and well done.
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:iconliefesa:
Liefesa Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013
Thanks, yeah, I agree that critiques can happen at any stage. An artwork is never really finished, ever.

I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yeah, I'm still not totally happy with that third verse...
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:iconlesliewifeofbath:
Lesliewifeofbath Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Also, I have no idea why this is underlined.
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:iconaazdremzol:
Aazdremzol Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Got the Dovahzul version if you still want it ^^
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:iconliefesa:
Liefesa Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013
Do you mean the draconic translation? That'd be cool!
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:iconaazdremzol:
Aazdremzol Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Indeed, so I'll get on to it as soon as possible.
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:iconliefesa:
Liefesa Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013
:highfive:
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:iconaazdremzol:
Aazdremzol Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:highfive:
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here for an overdue critique from :iconwe-poets:.

My apologies for the delay!

First off, if you want critiques for a poem, turning them into finished art like you have here doesn't make sense. Real critiques are for offering help with edits. They're not just a chance to get more comments or praise for your piece. NOT saying that's what you're doing or what you meant, but I see this a lot on dA, so I wanted to point it out just in case! :)

You start with 7686 in the first verse. I love 8/6 and 7/6 rhymes, so it appealed to me before I counted, but you should stick with a set math for your poetry whenever possible. In this case, that third line could do without one of the syllables. The second stanza's okay as is, but then the third is 8/6/9/6 which shows you're letting it get away from you a bit. I definitely believe that art is more important than syllable counts, but I just highly recommend you count them as you go and edit when you can, as some of your lines do feel a beat too long. You then closed the poem with 8/7/9/8.

It just felt like you had a great 8/6/8/6 or 7/6/7/6 poem at the start, but the more I read, the more I felt the extra beats. Yes again, you can do what you like and SHOULD do what you like, but as a complete stranger offering a critique, I wanted to just give you my honest impressions of how it felt to read it.

For the record, I loved the poem itself. I know it seems like I didn't, but I did. I just hope you'll take my advice and focus on the syllable counts of your poems more. Best wishes. --Sean
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:iconliefesa:
Liefesa Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
Hiya,
Thanks for the critique!
I see what you mean about making it look finished, though it only takes a minute to create the presentation - this is already version 2 of the poem. Anyway, I'll consider that for future submissions! :)

About the syllables - it is a little inconsistent... For reader clarity, the third line of verse four should have had "gath'ring" (since that's how I pronounce it). You mention that the third verse is 8/6/9/6, though I still count 8/6/8/6: "midst" is a bit cumbersome, but is a single syllable.

Glad you liked it! I have a new piece I'll be submitting soon which is eight verses in 8/6/8/6 (strictly this time!)
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